Stay Enlightened and Keep It Civil

It’s been a while.  Sometimes it seems like just yesterday I started this blog and sometimes it feels like a lifetime.  It’s very strange having something that documents how I’ve felt about life over the years and how that’s changed with me.  There’s been a lot happening in the world and in my personal life and I thought, hey why not write a bit, so hello.  I wouldn’t be who I am if I didn’t discus politics, but I don’t feel like writing about policy or anything, so here are some of my experiences of  the past few months.

This past election I followed almost every turn, as I do with most elections.  This one was a little different for me though, it felt a bit more personal.  I knew the results of the election would have a big impact on my life over the next four years.  I’m not going to hide it, I’m a Clinton supporter.  I do not support Donald Trump or Mike Pence and could go on for days about my opinions on them, but hey that’s what Twitter’s for.  Trump’s election win lead to quite the emotional rollercoaster for not only me but my entire school.  Teachers and students spoke openly about their feelings and concerns (the majority of people in my school were Clinton supporters) and made sure everyone knew that the sadness and anger we felt was channeled into action.  Following the election I did go out and protest on several occasions for the rights of all Americans.  I protested to show that I’m watching my government and country and any injustice will not be tolerated.  Once the sadness died down a bit things got a little tense.  I’ve had my share of interactions with openly racist, Islamophobic, and homophobic people.  In fact I had a discussion with some people today, and it was interesting.

Now, I am not a fan of Donald Trump, Mike Pence, or nearly any of the people in his cabinet, but I am willing to listen to anyone who is.  A friend of mine shared with me that they had indeed voted for Donald Trump.  This person is someone who I consider to be one of the most kind-hearted and selfless people I know.  They don’t fit the generic Trump supporter stereotype.  I asked them what made them want to vote for Trump over Clinton and listened.  I don’t agree with any of their political views.  There were some things they said that I felt very passionate about.  I’m a black person who fully supports Black Lives Matter, and the friend of mine is someone who’s white and doesn’t.  Although we feel very differently about various things happening in the country and have a different set of morals I listened and learned a lot about my friend.  I think that’s important.  I listened to someone I completely disagree with and learned from that experience.  We didn’t have a debate or try and convince the other to change their opinions, but rather listened with the intention of understanding the other better.  I understand there’s lots of personal attacks happening around the country with various political moves that have been made.  I absolutely believe that people should be angry and upset with what’s happening and should speak up and against the hate and fear.  I’m with them and will continue to voice my opinions to my peers, congressmen, and in the streets in protest.  While this is all good and dandy it’s important to know that real people did vote for the person I don’t approve of, and the only way to not become divided and vilify the other side is to listen to one another and try and understand each other.  As long as they’re willing to have an open and respectful discussion I’m all ears and will gladly partake.

I encourage you all to stay informed.  Get your news from nonpartisan news outlets to educate yourself on the current affairs of the world.  Don’t just take someone’s word for something and keep others in mind.  Every action will affect someone, it may not be you but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t care.  Make sure your voice is heard and speak out against injustice, but remember to stay respectful and safe.  God Bless!

My Love of Film Has Become an Obsession

I really like movies.  I could watch them all day and not get tired of it.  I like dissecting them.  There’re some movies I could watch 50 times in a row and get something new out of it each time.  Some stick with me more than others.  Sometimes I’ll watch a movie and it’ll be all I think about for the next 2 weeks.  Music and movies are a bit of an obsession of mine.

The other day while I was in the car with my mom I told her about how when I see a movie that I really like I’ll watch it repeatedly maybe 4 or 5 times in a row if I can.  Then I asked her what her thing is that she likes to dissect and analyze.  She said she feels that way about music, but she doesn’t analyze it as much when she listens to it.  This made me think about obsessions and passion.  It’s interesting to me how some people have certain passions in life and others don’t.  That’s just a bit odd to me.  There are some things that people know they’re passionate about, while there are some other people who don’t have a passion for specific things.  It’s the idea that people can be wired so differently no matter the circumstance in life that’s interesting I guess.

There’s no point to what I’m trying to write.  I’m not even quite sure of what I’m trying to say.  This may just be a result of the state of mind that is formed after you watch Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind everyday for 4 days.  Hopefully this rant is somewhat coherent.

Sleeping Backwards

Oh how do I love having a reversed internal clock while also having to go to school and wake up at 5am every morning!  I swear I’ve tried.  Time and time again I’ve tried, but I’ve come to the conclusion that I just have a backwards internal clock.  I’m the type of person who needs at least 9 hours of sleep to be a functional human being.  This is probably because I’m still a teenager, but when I sleep and don’t have an alarm clock waking me mid dream, I’ll be out for about 9-12 hours.  Should I be concerned?  I don’t think so.  I think that’s pretty normal for someone my age.  I love to sleep.  It’s a passion of mine if I can call it that.  I’ve been known to do some pretty long sessions, without the help of any substances.  My longest uninterrupted sleep, 17 hours.  Naps are a natural thing for me.  I function best when I can have a mid day nap.

My love for sleeping has been something I’ve been struggling with for quite some time now.  During summer break, or any break from school longer than a week, I’ll revert into my natural sleeping pattern.  When I don’t have a reason I have to be awake early in the morning or late at night I end up naturally staying up later and sleeping in longer.  By the third week of summer break, if I haven’t had to be awake at a certain time, I’ll stay up until 3-6am and sleep until 12-3pm.  It’s just what happens.  I don’t stay up late to prove anything or do anything, it’s just when I naturally fall asleep.  It’s also when I’m my most creative.  I think I’m a pretty creative person and I do most my creating after dark.  That doesn’t mean that I can’t play guitar or write something before 8pm, but that does mean that I get the most unique ideas at night.  Most of my blog posts are written during the deep hours of the night when my mind is all over the place.  I love it.  There’s something inspiring about being awake at night that gives my brain it’s creative brain juice.

This is all fine except for the fact that the majority of the year I’m in school and have to wake up at around 5am.  This means to get a good night’s sleep I need to be in bed by 8pm.  As much as I would love to be in bed by 8, that’s just unrealistic.  I know myself and it’s a good day if I’m asleep by 10.  That’s not good for my brain or body.  I’m not going to sit around and blame everything and everyone around me about me not getting enough sleep during the school year, but there have been studies done that show that most teenagers have a different internal clock then adults.  Our brains aren’t fully formed, as my mom loves to remind me, which means things are a little wonky.  Including when our brain releases the “sleepy chemicals”.

“Changes to this circadian rhythm occur during adolescence, when most teens experience a sleep phase delay. This shift in teens’ circadian rhythm causes them to naturally feel alert later at night, making it difficult for them to fall asleep before 11:00 pm”  ~sleepfoundation.org

It’s not just me.  It annoys me so much that my school starts at 7:30am.  If I’m not biologically going to sleep until 11pm how am I supposed to get 9 hours of sleep and get to school in the morning.  I know schools can’t run at night, people have jobs and after school activities to attend, so do I.  Thus, the conflict.  Forcing myself to fight against my body clock in order to be a somewhat functional member of society.  It’s 10:35pm, I’m eating Cheerios, and before writing this post I was wired.  Now, I’m getting sleepy…And coffee is becoming a good (but unhealthy) friend of mine.

Coffee Mugs Are An Art Form

Writing is hard.  Writing on a blog isn’t since anything could be written without plot or purpose.  Writing a short film is hard.  Let me restate that, writing a short film that I feel good and satisfied with is hard.  Plot and purpose and things I’ve never really felt in life, and conveying those things in moving film is almost just as hard right now.  Ideas are easy to come up with, however ideas worth pursuing are the challenge.  One way to go about this would be to just role with a mediocre idea and maybe it’ll work itself out, or maybe I’ll just get that idea out of my head.  But I don’t do that.  Once I realize I’m at a dead end with an idea in I lose passion for it and search for passion somewhere else.  The problem is… I find it.  Then I have the conundrum of having a different passion and pursing that.  Only, of course, until I lose steam with and that and go searching for something else.  Now I’m frustrated.  You know what I’ll do now?  I’ll try and find the big picture.  What Am I Trying To Say?  Well, I’m not sure what I’m trying to say.  I’m not sure I even know what beverage I would like to be sipping while typing this so how should I know what I want to say?  Is it plot or structure, or is it rather that I can’t commit to ideas, thoughts, and plans?  My mind has got a million ideas just enough to get started but never finished.  Different aesthetics, different messages, different themes, thoughts, and ideas.  I just don’t have the will to follow through on them.  I’ve thought about forcing myself to just stick with something, but whenever I do that I get an idea that’s better and that I’m passionate about halfway through the thing I’m trying to force myself self to commit to.  And then I just feel bad because I’ve made something mediocre while a great idea has slipped away.

Now it’s bothering me that a lot of the books I read when I was younger started sentences with the word ‘And’.  Maybe I’d stay passionate about an idea if I get nostalgic.  Although I’m not really in the mood to open up that can of worms.  Maybe I could stick to the future, but that brings up the whole “I don’t have a purpose and don’t know what I want” problem and making films about being confused means making a coming of age story.  I’m not trying to be that cliche.  Lets try some word vomit and see what arrives…

I firmly believe that coffee mugs are an under appreciated art form.  Radiohead is best enjoyed while at a crossroad in life on a cloudy day.  I used to loathe the use of puns in everyday life, but have since gained a new found appreciation and slight fondness for them.  I love my cat dearly, and the more she’s around the more I realize I DO NOT want kids.  However, I love babies and sometimes the thought of a really cute one smiling almost brings me to tears.  Mayonnaise is the anti christ of condiments.  It bothers me that when I flex my foot a certain way it triggers a foot cramp in my toes.  Does that happen to everyone?  I wonder if people actually read this or if the few likes I do get are from computers and people liking things to get me to notice them and buy something.  Speaking of buying things, I don’t understand why I can go to a thrift store and get a great quality “ugly” Cosby sweater for 5 bucks, but if I went to a normal store I would have to settle for a sweater that’s not as “ugly” and is of worse quality (and also overpriced).  Also, I wish that different teas were as common as coffee.  When there’s a meeting there’s coffee.  When there’s a gathering there’s coffee.  There should be tea and not just classic brew tea various teas.  Various mugs would also be appreciated because as I stated before, they’re an art form.

Until Next Time

I’m A Bit Confused At The Moment

I’m currently at the point in my life where people expect me to make decisions that will affect the whole rest of my life.  The only thing I’m certain of right now in my life is that I’m not certain about anything.  I can barley make up my mind whenever I have to chose what I wan to eat, and now I’m expected to know where I want my life to go and how I’m going to get there.  I don’t want to be an adult.  I’m still 12 inside!  How do taxes work and how am I supposed to be left alone to  take care of myself?  I just can’t wrap my mind around having to make crucial life decisions when I still wake up on Saturday mornings to watch cartoons and eat Lucky Charms.  I can’t even keep my room clean and in order, how am I supposed to keep a life together?  The worst part is having to face the fact that I have to get money somehow, and that means getting a job.  I don’t want a job.  The jobs that involve me doing something I like don’t pay very much.  Which I don’t have a problem with it’s just a certain amount of money is needed to pay bills and buy food.

I don’t know whatever happens happens.  I’ll be fine.  Life will go on.

Inspiration

Where do people find inspiration and drive?  When I look back on my life and all the things I felt really passionate about, I realize that had a forever burning for it.  A burning love.  A burning drive and desire.  Now a few years later it’s not completely gone, but it’s dwindling.  It’s going somewhere, and I’m not sure where that is.  Is it going to a new love, a new passion?  Will I find a new drive, start a new one?  Or is the same one just taking a break?  Going on hold for a while.  Is it resting only to come back even stronger than before?  If so I wonder how long it takes to come back.  Does it come back or do I have to go and find it again?  I’m hoping to answer or at least understand some of these questions better soon.  Inspiration, passion, and drive are powerful things.  They can’t be faked.  They have to be honest.  They don’t have to be good.  They just have to be honest.  I’ve just been wondering how honest I’ve been.

Short Term 12

Today I’ve been in a weird emotional and nostalgic mood.  I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about different people I’ve met and that have been in my life.  I’ve been thinking about what I want in life and what I want do in my life.  I’ve come to the conclusion that the more I think the less I know and the less sure I am about things, so I’m just going to do what I feel I should do in life and role with it.

While I was on this existential thought journey I watched the movie Short Term 12 on Netflix.  It’s one of those movies that awakens something in you that you forgot was there.  I don’t feel like a new person after watching it but I do feel like a better and more alive person, and that’s all I ask from art.

Here’s the trailer for Short Term 12. I highly recommend watching this.  It’s on Netflix.

Setting Goals

Life goes on, without you or not.  That thought has been on my mind lately and to be honest it’s a bit scary.  I know I’m in high school, but I feel like I should be doing more with my life than just sitting around on Tumblr, YouTube, sleeping, or watching Netflix.  I’m not into new years resolutions, but here are some of my new years goals for this year.

1.  Be sarcastic like I naturally am, but not a mean sarcastic.  

I’m a very naturally sarcastic person.  I’m sarcastic and I make witty comments.  Being witty and sarcastic doesn’t mean being a mean person and I’ve noticed lately that when you’re like me and tend to say things as soon as you think of them witty comments can easily turn rude and insulting without even meaning for them to.  I need to work on balancing this and not always speaking exactly what I’m thinking.

2.  Get my butt of the couch.  Go outside.

I will go two weeks without going outside given the opportunity.  That’s not healthy and I don’t like it, but I still do it.  I live in Wisconsin and it’s crazy cold here in the winter, but I still need to get outside and breath some fresh air and then get back in the house and run on the treadmill.  Summers and Springs are really nice here though and I need to start taking advantage of the nice weather like I did when I was little.  I remember when I was younger I used to feel really icky and weird if I didn’t go outside everyday.  I felt like I wasting the day and I’d feel guilty if I didn’t go outside.  Now I just need to get outside more and maybe do some more exercise, especially since I play softball.

3.  Be creative.  Apply butt to chair.

A few weeks ago my english teacher’s musician friend came and talked to us about poetry and when someone asked him how he writes his songs and poetry he said simply “apply butt to chair”.  There’s no secret potion that can make someone creative you just have sit down and create.  Sitting and thinking about doing something isn’t actually going to get anything done.  You have to just do it.  Apply butt to chair.  I need to write more, play instruments more and stop telling myself I’ll do it later.  I love creating films, music, and just writing in general.  It makes me happy and fills something inside me, but lately I haven’t been playing guitar or writing or filming.  I NEED to apply butt to chair badly and not get so caught up on what I’m making being bad and just do it.  I’ never going to get better sitting and doing nothing.

4.  Get out there.  

I need to go to more concerts.  I haven’t been going to concerts every two or three months like I used to.  I also haven’t been talking to new people as much.  I know whenever I don talk to new people they’re actually really cool and know a lot about different places to see bands and stuff.  I just need to get outside leave the house and go places.  Get out there.

I think that’s a pretty good list of goals.  I’m REALLY going to try and stick to them.  I already do all of them, just not enough.  Hopefully these things become the regular for me.  Happy New Year!

Gotta Get Going

When I was little I wanted to move all around the country and live everywhere. I’m still like that in a lot of ways, and hope to travel all around the world and live in different parts of the country throughout my life. So far in my life I’ve lived in three states, Massachusetts, Georgia, and Wisconsin where I live now and have most of my life. I guess it’s just what I’m used to, but I don’t like being stuck in one place for too long and I haven’t moved in about five years and to me that’s a while to be stuck in one place, so I’m pretty ready to be done with school and move somewhere else in the country.

From around age four to about age 12 I wanted to go to college in California and live there. I don’t know what it was about Cali life that I loved but I whatever it is it’s still drawing me in. Lately I’ve been thinking about where I would want to go to college and I’m pretty confident I don’t want to stay here in the Midwest. I liked living in Georgia a lot but I’ve lived there and I want to experience as many new places as possible. Around age 12 I’ve wanted to go to Seattle. I’m not sure why but it probably had to do with the fact that Jimmi Hendrix and Kurt Cobain are from Washington. I don’t think I would want to live in Washington, but I could see myself staying out there for a few months just seeing what it’s like out there. I could see myself living out in California for a few years though.

I’m not sure exactly what I want to with my life, but I have narrowed it down to a few things, and I think it would be a lot easier for me to achieve those things if I moved and lived out in California. There are things I could do here and Lord knows it’s way cheaper here than somewhere like California. That being said I don’t like being in one place and want to travel as much as I can while I’m physically able. I also want to travel a lot while I’m young because I won’t have to worry about anyone but myself. If I were to wait until I was in my mid thirties to travel then I might have to worry about a spouse or children in my life. I don’t want to have to travel knowing that I have responsibilities back home or people I have to worry about. I want to travel knowing that I’m having a great experience and am enjoying myself and my life without feeling like I’m leaving anything behind.

As I’ve been writing this I’ve had a mini epiphany about school. Not anything that will make me spend all my free time studying or spending hours doing homework on the weekend, but something that will keep me motivated to try my best at school and give it some effort. Something I’ve heard recently from someone I look up to (his name is Jarek 1:20 he’s a wrestler, magician, and film editor, and he makes videos on YouTube) is if your why is big enough your what should be easy. For example, if someone is asking, what do I have to do to be more confident, then before they start trying to find out the what they should think well why do I want to be more confident, and then their what will come easy. With that being said I was applying that method of thinking to my whole what am I going to do with my life situation, and without realizing it I answered my why in the above paragraphs. I just explained to myself why I want to travel and move out of the Midwest. Your why should always be bigger than your what because if your why doesn’t really have any meaning then your what isn’t going to have any motivation behind it.

Since I found out my why in the paragraphs above I’ve found out what my what is. For me it’s to try my best at school, so that it’ll be easier for me travel to California and possibly other places for college and afterwards. If I suck it up and do good on all the tests and things in school then there’s a better chance I’ll get a scholarship that can help me a whole lot when moving to go to college. The more money I save on paying for college itself, the more money I can spend traveling and enjoying my young adult years to come.

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